Sometimes I really identify with transgendered individuals. You know the folks I’m talking about—female brain born in a male body or vice versa. Spending more than a decade in an obese body somehow altered my brain chemistry. I have days where I still have my fat girl brain, even though I am now in a lean girl body. It all started yesterday when I impulsively signed up to do the holiday bridge challenge today-- a 3 mile competitive run or a 1 mile fun walk. I wisely chose the fun walk--the perfect recovery activity to sandwich between my 3 mile tempo run yesterday and my 6 mile long run tomorrow.
Packet pickup was at our local running store yesterday. I was surprised to find out that a Brooks technical running tshirt was part of my entry fee. And even more impressive, they had both women’s sizes and men’s sizes. Now I have been ordering medium race tshirts (men sizes) for the better part of a year now. No shocker there. The true shocker came when I tried on the women’s size large and it was too big. Me? A runners medium? Manufacturers of runners clothing are notorious for reverse vanity sizing. I like to think that it all started with some thin, gangly champion high school runner who always yearned for the body of a football player. As he grew older and more successful, he started his own running clothing company-finally he was able to become that size Large that his brain always knew he was, despite still weighing what he did in high school. But I digress.
Not only did a size medium Brooks running shirt fit. So did my size medium Lucy running shorts that I bought for $11 on sale before I was a size medium. And the Pearl Izumi size medium long sleeved running T’s. and the size medium Brooks running tights in black with neon yellow stripes up the leg. And the matching size medium Brooks long sleeved T with neon yellow strips up the arm. Things I never had the confidence to wear 75 pounds ago.
So off I went to the walk this morning in my size medium Brooks running T and my size medium Lucy running shorts, and placed my medium ass at the back of the pack with the walkers. Two women my age, Wanda and Kat, and Wanda’s parents, befriended me and invited me to walk with them. They planned to do the mile walk, and then if Wanda’s parents (in their 70’s) felt up to it, they were going to walk the entire 3 mile course just for fun. Game on! So we settled into a nice easy pace. At the one mile finish, Wanda’s parents wanted to do the whole enchilada, so off we went. The parents seemed engrossed in their own conversation, so Wanda, Kat and I started swapping fitness stories.
Turns out, Wanda is a trainer at a local gym. And Kat is an ex-motorcycle cop, exercise junkie extraordinaire. We had much to talk about, naturally. At one point, Kat had to stop to use the bathroom, and Wanda’s parents elected to continue walking. They were really motoring, and when I commented on how impressed I was, Wanda agreed, that yes, they had definitely improved their fitness—they are newcomers to fitness, after a lifetime of obesity and sedentary behavior. They had built this level of endurance in just a year, at the encouragement of Wanda’s sister, a marathon runner. And certainly, Wanda was very proud of her parents. But then she started trash-talking their eating behaviors. The Junk Food. The Sugar. The Diner Food. Oh MY! And I found myself trash-talking right along with her. I lamented how my own parents were losing the food battle themselves, remaining severely obese despite ever declining levels of mobility and energy as they near their late sixties. And we trashed talked some more about THOSE people who just can’t seem to get their shit together and GET IT DONE. Just stop eating the wrong things. Just start moving more. You too can be a runner size medium just like me.
Somewhere near mile 3, I realized that by trash-talking about THOSE people, I was trash-talking about myself. I felt the need to “come out of the closet” and admit, that yes, despite the convincing runner girl exterior, I too was one of THOSE people. Someone who figured out fitness before food—someone who improved her fitness enough to drag her obese ass across the finish line of her first marathon, only to recover with a 6 course Thai dinner and a large Dairy Queen Cookie Dough Blizzard. Wanda and Kat seemed unaffected by my confession. In fact, they invited me to brunch with them. I declined, not sure that I was ready to eat around new friends who had always been lean. What would they think if I ordered the delectable Harvest Pumpkin Pancake, complete with white chocolate chips, pecans and cranberries? Would that mean that I was switching sides? If walking the bridges and contemplating the merits of fruits and vegetables makes me one of THEM, would choosing the Harvest Pumpkin Pancake over the poached egg and fruit make me one of THOSE people?
And then I realized that most people probably don’t give a rat’s behind what I am or am not eating. Sometimes I will choose the poached egg and fruit. Sometimes I choose the Harvest Pumpkin Pancake. Today, with the safety of my supportive husband who has loved me at all of my various shapes and sizes, I did the unthinkable. I ordered the Ginormous Dinner-Plate sized Harvest Pumpkin Pancake. And a cup of yummy lentil soup. And the large fruit bowl. Because those are the things that I actually wanted to eat at brunch. And I enjoyed the variety. The freshness of the fruit bowl-the crunchy, delicate taste of the honeydew melon, contrasting with the sweeter sweet of the blueberries and strawberries. The ripe banana slices. The salty, earthy broth of the lentil soup. And the Harvest Pumpkin Pancake---well let me just say that syrup would have ruined the absolute perfection of this creation! Moist pumpkin base, almost a custard consistency, dotted with white chocolate chips, pecans, dried cranberries, carmelized sugar. And if enjoying this masterpiece makes me one of THOSE people, well, than I guess I am.
The truth is, for the decade plus of my life that I spent in an obese body, I had a lean, fit athlete brain trapped in an unfit, obese body, which gradually became a fit obese body, and finally a fit, leaner body. But as much as I want to pretend that I have always had my nutritional shit together, the truth is, who I am today required an unbelievable amount of hard work. After many years of daily practice, many stumbles, falls, false starts, and restarts, I really do think I have fully transitioned to a fit, lean person.
People who are making the transition from male to female or female to male have to live a full year as their intended gender before the surgeon will do genital reassignment surgery. I am coming up on a full year of living at a body weight that is normal for my height and weight. I believe that I am fully transitioned. I believe that I am not meant to live in an obese body. I’m ready for my surgery now. But unfortunately, there is no brain surgery that guarantees that I won’t return to that obese woman who didn’t feel full after a 6 course Thai meal and a large cookie dough blizzard. But every day that I practice my lean girl behaviors, it gets easier and easier. And I learn that life in a lean body really isn’t an US versus THEM battle. Some people struggle with food. Some people have never had to struggle with food. But at the end of the day, trash-talking the strugglers really isn’t helpful. Sharing your road map with those who struggle might be.
__________________
my training log:
http://forums.jpfitness.com/training...formation.html
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment